Lazy Days Of Winter

There is really no end in sight for this strike. The two sides have been bargaining, which is more than they did in December, but things really aren't getting anywhere. The administration is attemping to force a ratification vote... but get this... not until Jan 19/20. That is 8/9 days away. 8/9 days that could be spent BARGAINING. I do not anticipate going back to school anytime soon.



On top of that, my wonderful employer, the ORG, has messed up the casual shift list. I applied for 7 shifts and got 4. That's a problem because the shifts that I was denied were given to relief workers. That's not supposed to happen. First of all, I have seniority. Second of all, I have status over them as a part-timer. It's supposed to go PT, FT, then any remaining shifts to the relief pool.



This took weeks to sort out, and now I'm being denied the shifts because they've already been given out. Old feelings of being fucked up the ass by an incompetent management team dance in my head. It's not as nice as sugarplum visions, believe me.



I'm also just experiencing that pressure of having much less money than the very little money I'm used to having. Please, let this strike end soon. I'm hungry for education. I'm lazy and directionless. I apparently will just waste my time if left to my own devices.

And then that got me thinking... You know, I wasn't always like this. I used to relish having nothing to do so that I could spend time and energy on the million of alt. projects I had on the go. I would write, I would create, I would study what interested me. These days, I sleep and sit around feeling insecure for various reasons. But here I am with over two months of strike under my belt, most of which I have not been picketing for, and what do I have to show for it? Am I more relaxed? Caught up on my work? My reading? Do I have a cleaner appartment? Better relationships with my friends, family or partner? Have I exercised more?

Nope.

I've read one book.

I've baked a lot.

I've helped put my chiropractor's kid through university.

But I haven't really DONE anything with my time.

Which begs the question: What would I LIKE to do with this time?

I have time and I have things that I wish I had time to do. But do I do them? Nuh-uh.

Apathy.

Dude...

Apathy...

I haven't even done things that I need to get done. Why am I telling you this? I don't expect you, or anyone to rescue me. But maybe that is what I WANT? Maybe? Is it possible that although I REALIZE that is not going to happen, I still HOPE for it? And to a point that I allow myself to sabotage my goals?

I suppose it is...