And.... GO!

Let's bring you up to speed a little, shall we, Dear Reader?

The summer was rather a bust. I'm still PFS (pretty fucking sick), although we have managed to nail down part of the picture of what is wrong with me. I'm anaemic and they suspect a sub-clinical thyroid issue. I'm caught up in the endless debate of what constitues "sick" that goes on between medical science and the naturopathic community. I'm feeling a litte bit better since starting iron a few weeks ago, but a long way off from feeling even remotely well. The school year has started with a BIG BANG and I am scrambling up this steep hill called a "learning curve" at my intervention practicum. It will be intersting to talk about it with you, as I am studying under a prominent psychologist in a relatively rare area of specialization. This year's focus will be patients referred for GID - Gender Identity Disorder and I will be working under the supervision of someone that I will affectionately (for now) refer to as "Dr. House." Suffice it to say, he knows what he is doing, but appears to lack empathy and be a bit of a dick at times. Having said that, I do not feel the same sense of apprehension and intimidation that some of my colleagues feel. I know I will learn a lot from this experience, even if Dr. House does decide to let me jump into having clients without watching me in session. Right now I'm taking it as confidence in me because I have worked at the Org for so long and have some experience working in Brief Solution-Focused with transgendered youth on the telephone.

The Practicum Org is an enormous hospital, with many different departments. I have a special badge that identifies me as SANE and allows me free access to most areas, except the cafeteria kitchen, which is too bad because I'm hungry there most of the time. This is due to never having a break to eat, pee, check email, book a client, or have a modicum of privacy. Our student computer room is three long lines, troughs if you will, of closely packed-in computers and shared telephone extensions. Bathrooms are few and far between and require keys. Thankfully, I have the SANE badge, which comes with a special key that allows me access to toilets and play therapy rooms.

I also have a TAship, into to psych for freshmen. My co TAs seem competent and fair, so good luck there. And I don't appear to need to go to the class except for tests. I'm TAing with a woman who I TAed with in my first year of grad school, and it is pretty nice since we have a good understanding of how to work together and get along.

I have one class that I have to attend on Fridays from 10:30-2:30. More on that later. Right now I'm feeling very resentful about it because I got saddled with doing nearly 4 hours of photocopying for myself and the other three students. I didn't realize that I had to learn how to be a copy machine repair wizard as a condition of graduation. But now I know how to fix ANY paper jam and reload ink cartridges. And the people at administrative support know me by name and have classically conditioned stress responses whenever they hear it.

I am hopelessly behind on writing work I have to do for the two OTHER organizations that I consult for (see being sick all summer) and feeling quite stressed out about that. I'm sure if I could stay awake and cognitively functioning for more than two hours at a time, I could get more done. Also, if my SPSS licence hadn't expired... right now it is a convenient excuse to not have some analyses done for a report due in late October.

Other than that, I should be working on my proposal, putting time in at the Org, and thinking about my minor area paper. But I'm just too tired. Dr. Supervisor was really good to point out that I'm quite lucky to be in grad school and funded for three years because if I need to take 4 months off to recoup, I can. It's just that I don't want to. For some (stupid) reason, it feels like quitting, or not being as smart or strong as all the other kids. I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to straddle two cohorts. I want to be the superfit leader, the one charging ahead and breaking ground in my field, in my cohort, in my program. Like if people find out that I am sick, I fear that they will take some satisfaction from it. I don't know if that would happen, or if I am projecting that on to them (in which case, I'm a horrible fucking bitch), but I fear it. Like I have said before, I don't know who I am if I am not special. Maybe this will be when I finally find out. I hope that who I am has grace.

Appointment with the Naturopathic doctor tonight. I'll let you know if anything comes up.

Until next time,
Psyche