Creating Insecurity in Health Research

Sigh...

Did NOT get funding for next year.

Feeling pretty gosh darned dejected, and the massive head cold I picked up from a kid this week is not helping me bounce back. If I hadn't already slept all day, I'd just go back to bed. Ah, wtf, I'll go back to bed anyway! My eyes feel like two piss holes in the snow.

I just think that they should stop calling them scholarships and just refer to them as a lottery. The reason I got turned down is because, "the candidate has changed field of studies at least twice, which raises th econcern that this candidate does not have th eperseverance to complete a PhD and move forward towards an academic career." They also claimed that my referee said that I don't "criticallly evaluate [my] own research plans and proposals." Interestingly, my referee's letter states explicity that I DO think critically in the evaluation of my research plans and proposals! So yeah, my reader #2 missed the point that finishing two degrees in the SAME discipline and then switching disciplines because I needed to recover from an ED means that I am MORE likely to persevere and finish something. Add two more fucking degrees to that, now in psychology, and for fuck's sake!!!

I was warned that these "competitions" are very much like lotteries before I applied. That they will look for any "excuse" to disqualify you. But I didn't think it included what appears to be deliberately misreading what an applicant wrote. I had that application checked by two supervisors, the application clinic, and the fucking dean. They said it was air-tight!

So yeah, I guess I'm bitter right now. I know it will blow over and I'll cope and deal. I just really did not want to have to deal with a TAship next year. I didn't want to have to work my ass off the Org. I feel like I work at the MacDonalds of counselling centres sometimes. Well, minus the scholarship opportunities, clearly. I made way more money when I worked as a booze jockey... and I was allowed to drink much more at work for that matter. And Jeebus, considering the two TAships I've had so far... I'm primed to expect some kind of hollocaust denier who frequently mistakes their cock for blackboard chalk.

I will call him Professor Chalky-Dink.

See, Psyche? You're feeling better already!

You know, I'm just so sick of worrying about money. I just got a big chunk of $$$ from my supervisor for work I'm supposed to do next semester and I was going to use it to go to a conference in Zambia. But now I feel like I should save it for the slim-pickings of PhD1. Sigh...

You know, one of the reasons I left the theatre was because of never knowing if I would have enough money... But I seem to have changed it for a career where the audition process is just as dubious but instead of preparing a monologue, I spend 40 hours putting my heart and soul into a research proposal. It's just that now, instead of not getting the role because I'm 10 lbs heavier than a twig insect, I don't get the scholarship because some egghead with a god complex can't slow down enough to read the difference between "does" and "does not."

So yeah, I guess this week's lesson in grad skule is that life is not fair. And that really honks. But I'll deal. And we'll just have to see what happens. There's always another surprise around the corner. No one knows what tomorrow will bring. Platitude platitude platitude.