As Experienced Sleep Decreases, My Wit, Intelligence and Attractiveness Surely Increase

Last night I couldn't sleep. Most likely this was because I knew I had to get up at 6 in order to get to my 7:45 am shift at the Org on time. But also, and much more likely due to the fact that I spent the last hour of my shift the day before doing counselling with a homicidal youth.

Yeah... my job entails that I do that sometimes.

Homicidal. As in, with plans and means to torture and kill specific individuals in their community.

It was really interesting and disturbing. I mean, it is pretty unusual for a homicidal youth to seek-help. The fear of judgment alone is enough to keep the young person quiet. And likely there is an abuse history as long as your arm... no real models of typical development, tons of anger that is misdirected at innocents who are perceived as rejecting the young person. Yes, I'm talking the sort of person who discloses that they are considering a massive Columbine-style retribution for perceived wrongs. Anger is meant for the parents? But ends up being directed at others. I have spoken to homicidal youth before, and according to my supervisors handled it quite well. But nothing prepared me for yesterday's counselling session.

Now, I'm not a psychologist (yet). I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis. But from what I can put together, this kid did NOT quite make the criteria for conduct disorder. Despite the behavioural qualifications being met (desire to harm, hisotry of harming others, setting cats on fire, poisoning a younger sibling with antifreeze, detailed plans to torture and kill individuals that had been followed in the middle of the night) --- this "kid" seemed to be missing a key problematic component.

Feeling.

You see, the main reason why we are terrified of psychopaths (an adult diagnosis of characteristics that blossom out of conduct disorder which is an under-18 diagnosis) is that they lack empathy.

"Typical" people, when sensing distress in others, pick up on their corporeal cues. They see distress in another person's face or voice and their little mirror-neurons fire like crazy. They percieve distress and experience EMPATHY -- a vicarious experiencing of that person's distress that manifests itself in physical cues such as quickened pulse, galvanic skin response, rapid breathing, and a mirroring of the other person's corporeal cues.

Empathy. Feeling. They FEEL the other person's distress, and then, they help, or at the very least STOP hurting them.

Psychopaths don't. Conduct disordered kids largely don't as well.

But this kid. Despite claiming not to feel guilt or remorse was writing to a crisis help line type service. They claimed to be scared that they would act on these impulses... were aware that they were really angry at abusive and neglectful parents.

They were seeking HELP.

Uh-huh.

Brutal for me. They were quite expicit that they were an accomplished con-artist. Extohled their own talents of charm and manipulation. I was freaked out. Was I being conned? I don't know. But I suspect that if they were seeking help, that they were feeling SOMETHING. Maybe not empathy exactly... but something. And I wanted to explore that. Because IF this kids was being genuine with me... my god... what a blessing this was. That they WANTED to get support. That there is hope to avoid future suffering for potential victims... but even moreso, to avoid future suffering for them as well.

Was my life just touched by a potential future psychopath on the brink? Did I give them even 1% possible hope for a life free from revenge and anger?

My god, I hope so.

I am so incredibly humbled by this experience. So incredibly tired. And yet, I can only imagine the hell that this child has been through and the intense suffering that is being defended against. If I believed in "God" I would pray. But I don't. So I will just put it out there. We never know when our judgement or lack thereof may be pivotal in someone's life. Yes, I know I am in the business of non-judgementalness. But wow, this was possibly the most humbling experience of my life since the school shooting call.

I'll tell you about that sometime. But for now. It's sleep. I've just finished my first draft of a developmental framework for self-efficacy and help-seeking on a national child helpline. A circle is complete and I must rest before the next one.

N***, wherever you are. Please know that I meant every word. I want you to be okay. Not becuase I don't want you to hurt anyone else. But because I think that YOU are worthy, loveable and deserving of care. I'm sorry you've been let down and I believe that you can get over this an lead a life not ruled by revenge and anger. I want that for you. I hope you want it too.

Deep breaths, okay? Let us both sleep well tonight.