The Almighty has finally smiled upon me as I realize that the Prof for my TAing course is pretty keen, laid back, funny and not interested in me doing a ton of work for him. Jesus, Allah, Budda, I love you all. It went really well today and I think I am going to enjoy working and performing with this prof, Professor Happycat, since his last name is the same as my, constantly purring feline's.
Today he made reference to "Seymour Butts," "Hitlerism," used the phrase, "Freud's little fascist, Jung," and made a case for retards.
Huh?
Well, we are all familiar with the colloquialization of the word "retard" to that of an insult. It is, or at least was not, politically correct to use this term by the time I finished high-school. You know, just like the terms "fag," and "faggot." It's not okay to use these words as an insult or put-down to someone. I talk about this with kids who bully all of the time at the org. I mean, how would they like it if suddenly everyone started to use their name as the new slang insult? "Oh, my god, he's such a DAVID!" Or, "Stop Douging my fries, get your own!" Or even, "Did you see how short her skirt was? What a Yoshi!" You get the point. And sometimes the kid who bullies does too.
So sure enough, when the prof of EDUCATIONAL PSYCH started talking about how we don't want people who are retarded in the military, a few people gave the knee-jerk-i'm-in-university-so-i-know-better disgusted face. And the prof was awesome. "C'mon, don't give me that. It's a diagnostic term in the DSM people, look it up. I'm not insulting the military, I just don't want it full of retarded people."
Bless him.
It's weird for me. I have never felt comfortable with using the terms "fag" or "dyke" or using the phrase, "that's so gay." Probably because I did once with a girlfriend and got tsked within an inch of my life. But I've always been fine with "that's so retarded."
A double standard? Why do I feel comfortable with something that is clearly inappropriate??
[I want to be clear here, I'm questioning WHY I FEEL okay with something that I know is not polite or respectful behaviour. The following does not EXCUSE my habit... I'm trying to understand it first so that I can proceed accordingly.]
I don't know... I mean, homosexuality has not been in the DSM since the second edition? I *think* the third was released in 1980 (but don't quote me on that, and hey, screw you, you're on a computer -- you can look it up as easy as I can and I'm mid-thought right now). So that's like, almost 30 years. Many homosexuals have "reclaimed" these words and under certain circumstances it is fine to say them, provided you know the people you are with and feel confident that THEY are not offended by them. I mean, clearly it's not dinnertime with your new thesis advisor language, but hopefully you understand what I mean. And still, when theonion.com put on their list of top ten resume verbs: "faggoted-up" - I went beet-red and coughed like a polite englishman. But I can say "retarded" till the cows come home, and don't feel any shame or guilt. And that, knowing several retarded children and their parents. Why is that? What is going on with me that I feel bad with one and not the other?
So... back in the classroom now... Prof. Happycat is going on and on and on about all these different tests for retardation and schools and the military and special funding and that we'd better get used to saying the word retarded in his class and that it really means late, a late learner, someone who is literaly delayed in their learning. He turns to mek I'm attempting to synchronize the video/projector/slides/camera/volume all layed out like the lighting board for a Pink Floyd concert, and says, "Oh, are you having trouble?" And I naturally reply, "Yeah, I'm a little retarded."
And I've won them over.
Interesting...
Next week, we're looking at the WISC IV. Looking forward to it and DYING for him to ask me my IQ. Here's a hint: I belonged to Mensa. Here's another: I could qualify for the Triple 9 Society. Huh, and despite that, I couldn't work the freakin' VCR. Just goes to show, intelligence isn't everything.
Maybe that's it. Maybe it is everything in the case for "retards." Maybe the issue is that retardation is so the opposite of me that I'm afraid of it. Maybe I'm afraid that this can happen... using the word colloquially is a way of distancing myself from the whole idea and my discomfort of it. A defense mechanism? It makes sense in terms of what we know about kids who bully... a reaction formation of sorts. I could go into all kinds of psychological reasons why I feel stupid and inadequate sometimes... I could talk about being called stupid as a kid... I can even discuss the fact that despite being identified as gifted, I had horrible social problems as a child and was ostricized (sp?) in a similar way that children who are actually clinically retarded might be by those who are developing typically.
I'm writing this because after the first draft of this post, a friend challenged me on this and I think I have a responsibility to go beyond the first draft of my thoughts. What really does lie behind this for me and why the difference in feeling for me behind these two words? It's not like my life hasn't been touched by both conditions. What does one do when they know intellectually that their behaviour is not appropriate but they are, for some reason, missing the manifest physical cues that tell them so? Or is there something else going on, in that maybe I don't want to take a hard look at this issue because it is really very threatening to me?
And is it safe to talk about anywhere other than the therapy room? (Jeez, I hope so...)
After having meditated on this for a few hours, one thing does stand out to me. I realize that my child-bearing years have peaked and I'm now on a downward slope. I know I would like to have a child but am not sure if it is in the cards. When I think about my friends who have children and see the wide variety of experiences that they have between them, I do feel afraid. I have seen many instances where my friends have had to rethink, reevaluate, and after a long period of mourning, redefine what their parenting experience will be like -- because they have a child or children with special needs. And while I have lots of these children in my life (both personally and professionally), they are not MY CHILD. I know that parents, whether they intend to or not, inadvertantly have "personal hopes" for what their child will "be like." Good parents work through them and try their best not to put their dreams onto their children. It's hard... it can be a challenge for parents to even become aware of when and how they are doing this. So much of it has to be brought into consciousness before the mamoth task of changing parental behaviour can even begin. I've worked with children and teens on this issue, I've worked with parents on this issue - in the counselling environment.
But it has never even approached being personal, until recently. I have never had to stare this particular challenge in the face. And honestly, really absolutely honestly? I don't know that I would have the fortitude, the strength, the resiliance that I have seen an encouraged in others - clients and friends. And I think, that as I approach possible baby-making decisions, THAT scares the bejeezus out of me.
Psyche
November, 1999 (Oh, What A Night)
4 years ago
4 comments:
wow...interesting couple of posts.
I didn't know you were in mensa, though.
Something new every day, I swear.
Hoo boy.
Yeah, I have an issue or two with this.
The main one being, really, fuck the DSM-IV. For my part, I don't much care that a word that is now being used as a hurtful slur (one that will very likely be directed at my own kids by someone before very much longer) has a clinical context.
The existence of a slur derived from a clinical term is a real problem. It seems to me that the appropriate and ethical way forward is to change the clinical term, rather than suggesting that the problem is something that people should just "get over".
For practical, by the way as well as other reasons. Because one of the points of clinical language is supposed to be clarity, and clarity is next to impossible when a word carries such emotional freight and such a hurtful history.
This is exactly the reason that words like "moron" and "idiot" aren't used clinically any more -- the existence of a slur taints a clinical term by association. Get it changed in DSM-V, whenever that comes out, and until then find a workable clinical alternative.
As for the use of "retarded" as slang... well, suffice it to say that I don't think it's harmless. My friend Lea Hernandez -- who, like me, has two autistic kids -- wrote a great post on the subject that I highly recommend everyone read.
I'm not as militant on the subject as Lea; I overlook use of the word in casual conversation among friends, because I know they're not assholes and it's a figure of speech to them (in kind of the same way that I, an atheist, say, "Bless you," when someone sneezes).
But I will say this: The first person who uses that word to describe one of my children, whether as a slur or by calling them "developmentally retarded", is going to get a hell of a lot more than a tsk-ing.
I believe there is a major difference here that needs to be brought to light. Referencing "retard" and "stupid" in the same sentence is unfair. (referring to your comment on how you can make comments on how you feel stupid sometimes)
People with Developmental disabilities are not stupid. Stupid gives blossom to the idea that they don't know anything, that they can't DO anything. That they in essence cannot be relied upon to be able to accomplish anything. And I think that we all know that is the furthest thing from the truth. The end destination is the same for us all, Just different people have different ways of getting there.
(speaking as a layperson with no clinical or real life experience in these matters) Just because someone has downs syndrome or autism, or AdHd, in no way makes them stupid, or retarded.
I'm not attacking your thoughts here, just laying out my thoughts.
As to why this scares you so much, why it seems like such a huge fear, I think you're near the point that you fear that you might not have the strength or resiliance to "live through it" But I have to be blunt when I say I think you may (as many people do) also suffer from selfishness concerning this specific issue as well. In essence, one doesn't want to "have to deal" with all the issues that come along with having a developmentally delayed child.
But If you were to ask these parents, I think you would find that most if not all of them felt that feeling at some point. They would be saints on earth if they didn't feel it at some point, even briefly. Your take on this issue might be that you've always been such a selfless and giving person all your life, to the point of your own detriment, sometimes, that to feel such a subconscious selfishness is flipping you on your head.
it's my 2 cents, take it for what it's worth.
LizB: Your comments are always worth much more than a pausely 2 cents to me. As are all my friends.
I agree, I think that a large part of this stems from a confounding, an emeshment of sorts between the idea of developmental delay or even bona fide "retardation" in the clinical sense with the idea of stupidity. What is stupidity anyway? Scientists cannot actually even pin down what the construct of "intelligence" is. So how can we really have a good handle on stupidity either?
Also, is stupidity the last in a long line of slowly eroding taboos, and perhaps taking longer to become truly taboo? We no longer think it acceptable to make fun of someone based on race, on religion, on sex, on gender, on ethnicity, on body size, on age... but by and large, i would argue that societally one can get away with mocking lack of intelligence (again, whatever that actually IS). But the truth is that just like those other things, intelligence is not something that an individual person has a lot of control over. It is a complex gene/environment interaction, the critial period for affecting for which is largely over by the time a person might want to try to influence it themselves.
Whew...
I guess what I'm eventually realizing is that I seem to have a bias and that is really freaking me out. I don't like thinking of myself as a fill-in-the-blanks-ist of any kind. But perhaps I am. And perhaps it is something else I need to challenge myself on.
I fancy myself enlightened, but apparently there is much more of process for me to go through.
Huh, imagine not being a completely formed human being at MY age!!! (That was a joke, btw.)
:)
Thanks for your thoughts!
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