Time Keeps On Slippin...

Hello blogsketeers! Guess what? This is my first day on my new shift. That means I no longer work full time for the org! And guess what else? It's delightful!

My last day was uneventful. There was no supervisor around but there was still a very plain, only slightly playful feel to the shift. Walking out at the end of the day was definitely anti-climactic. However, I was off to meet a few co-workers for a celebratory drink or two, so I was in good spirits. Especially since I was meeting two workers that I don't often get a chance to hang out with. It was really interesting, because I have definitely been closed here at work for almost two years. Circumstances were such that I just didn't have the emotional resiliance to face any possible confrontations or rejection in that place. So I played things very close to the chest. As a result, I was not at all close with anyone on my shift. No where near the way I was when working nights and felt like my team-mates were my best friends at overnight camp.

And then, there we were, enjoying martinis and chatting quite informally. People opened up a bit, I did too. The next thing I knew we were having a very sincere and heartfelt discussion around relationships with our parents, self-confidence, and the quality of our sex lives. This wasn't the sort of snappy light sex and the city banter. I felt very honoured to be let in on some personal details about some incredible women with whom I've shared the counselling floor. And I was delighted to feel like I was also being accepted, with all my outrageous quirks and stuffy opinions.

It felt...

Well, it felt like what I had been longing for work to feel like for over two years. It felt good. It felt safe and fun. I felt like I belonged. And that's something I hadn't felt at the org for a VERY long time, if ever.

It was nice. I forgot it could be like that. It was a very nice way to end my full time stay there.

And today is day one of my part time life at the org. A 6 hour shift is nothing. Pah! I'm just wondering how things will continue to change for me here, and hoping that the happiness I feel, the lighter feeling of things-are-okay will continue, as I look forward to a 7 year goal that I have chosen. Yeah, I'm feeling tired, but optimistic.

And looking forward to shameless lethargy for the coming week. Any more suggestions on how to recharge are welcome welcome welcome. Bring em on!

Tanning My Own Hide

It's no secret that in order to be an emotionally healthy therapist, one needs to develop the ability for "professional distance." Basically, you have to get a thick skin, otherwise your natural ability to empathize is going to put you at grave risk for developing vicarious trauma. To a certain extent, vicarious trauma is expected. It's an occupational hazard. We all expect it, that and compassion fatigue (a similar but separate problem). But you are never truly prepared for it. And rarely do you even realize what it is until a colleague points it out. Some people who are incredibly self-aware pick up on the fact that they are "not themselves."

Imagine being a body builder and going in to the gym one day to realize that you are actually able to lift less and less than you could before. Baffling... after all, doesn't practise make something easier?

Apparently not when it involves empathy.

I'm not sure if we have empathy stores that dwindle and need to be replenished. Maybe empathy has a reciprocity matrix and the amount of abuse we tolerate from clients takes it's toll on us? Like, "Why can't someone be here for me the way I'm here for THEM? Ungrateful little so and sos..." In some cases where therapy is just not successful, it could be that there is an element of learned helplessness at play. Or maybe the mirror neurons just habituate so much that nothing can make them fire anymore?

I don't know exactly.

But I do know what vicarious trauma (and first hand trauma, for that matter) and compassion fatigue FEEL like. I know that as I enter the end stretch at the old org here, that I'm pretty damn short in the empathy department. And very thankful for my background in performance. I know that I can adhere to the old adage that "The Show Must Go On." I can put aside my discomfort, sadness, fatigue, even rage-filled hatred for the benefit of a client. As long as I know the end is in site.

And it is.

But.

This is not something I particularly care to carry forward with me as I approach the heavy workload of grad skule. Psyche must heal herself before the next challenge starts. I've got to build up some hit points after that last orc attack!

So here is my question, for anyone reading:

What rejuvenates you? What can you suggest that might rejuvenate Psyche?

Let's hear your suggestions, from the divinely inspired to the poorly-thought-out schemes. I eagerly await your descriptions of "self-care."

Studier's Remorse?

There is a concept in psychology called Buyer's Remorse. I think most people are familiar with the idea. Basically, you want something really badly, you purchase it, and then you regret your decision. You discover that the anticipation of getting what you want is actually more pleasurable than actually getting it. Like Oscar Wilde said, "There are only two tragedies in life: Not getting what you want and getting it."

So...

I'm not sure I picked the right school. Yup, I haven't even started classes yet, and I'm already wondering if I made the "right" choice. I know, I know... there is no way to know if it was "right" until after I actually experience it. AND the whole concept of a "right" decision is fundamentally flawed to begin with. But still, I have-a the buyer's remorse.

The school I've chosen, and that I will be attending in September is large. LARGE. It is also very prestigious and my thesis advisor is a very famous and well-connected and well thought of and has money at her disposal. The other school is small, the psych program is new, there is no specific person there that I really want to work with BUT the courses are amazing, they get you into clinical work in the first semester (the other school offers no clinical experience until the PhD level), the clinic is amazing, a really small and intimate environment where you get TONS of attention.

I haven't taken any classes yet, but I'm already having trouble registering for classes. How can this be? I only really have three, and they are all MA1 courses that I have had approved by the department, registration opened at 9am, I registered at 10:30am... how could the course that I was already approved for be FULL??? Seriously??? Okay, so no big deal... I can move my stats class to another section, oh, but the only other section that doesn't conflict with another course is during my own therapy session. And so it goes. At the other school, you register, all the MA1s are in it together, you bond and go!

I'm not sure that there will be as much bonding as competing at this school. Was the choice to have this particular thesis advisor and all her contacts, etc, worth giving up a school with an ethos that actually fit my personality? What is more powerful? The place or the person?

We shall see.

I know that there were more criteria that influenced my decision: proximity to friends and support systems, keeping my part-time job, money, partner, partner's job. I just have a nervous feeling about this. Hopefully, my two weeks off before school starts will help me to relax and see the opportunity, not the problem.

More later.