I decided to take a break from classes this semester to recover from the exhaustion. It was absolutely the right choice. Before the break I was unable to sleep more than 5 hours a night (when I was lucky) and walking through thick brain fog every day. I realized I could no longer fool myself into thinking I was recovered from the month's rest in August when I got laryngitis and was using the fact that I couldn't speak audibly to cover up that I was blanking out in class, in social situations, and worst of all, in therapy. I also knew I was in trouble when I stared at a stats assignment for 50 minutes completely unable to grasp what was being asked of me. That might be normal for many people, but it ain't for me! So yeah, meetings were set up, doctor's were revisited, and decisions were made.
It was time to take a semster OFF.
This decision was backed up by the fact that I was recently diagnosed with chronic fatique by a specialist at a renowned Environmental Health Clinic in a hoity-toity hospital. December was the month of specialists -- Dr. Dentist informed me that my immune system had crashed so badly that I had "dramatic and considerable bone loss" in my mouth and that I "should expect my teeth to start falling out soon. Dr. Psychologist (my new/better therapist) diagnosed me with C-PTSD. Any of these diagnoses would have been sufficient to scare me out of the classroom. When I step back and look at them, it is easy to see how they are all related and contribute to one another.
Dr. Supervisor was extremely supportive. Our Director of Clinical Training practically insisted I take the semester off when I told her about my 2012. Then she blew so much sunshine up my butt that all fears of doing so creating weird academic problems for me disappeared. I finished up my one take-home exam (24 single-spaced pages on complex-systems approaches) and dropped next semester's courses, including multivariate statistics -- a full-year course of which I have finished half. Sigh... I cannot keep the marks or even guarantee I'll get the same section next year. I have to take the whole thing over again. I dropped a math course! THAT is how serious I am about recovery.
I wanted to completely put aside all of my academic responsibilities, but it just wasn't possible, or wise. I have a lab up and running at The Org. and two undergraduate students who count on me for their own research practica. I like my research and it's one of the few things that makes me happy and excited. Besides, now that I no longer work there, The Org. has become this friendly, enjoyable place to be. So I'm going to be there 12 hours a week instead of the usual 20. Therapy with the few clients I had the Children's Mental Health Centre ended naturally before the break -- except in one case. So I'm continuing to see one 5-year-old girl with anxiety for the forseeable future. Other than those two things, I have no official school-type responsibilities. At least not for MY education.
Continuing to do research work allows me to remain enrolled in a research practicum and therefore continue my scholarship (very important if the mortgage is going to get paid every month). I also have to keep my TAship... Mr. Husband doesn't have health insurance through his work, so my unionized TA is the only way for us to have any health coverage. Given that I have just been diagnosed with three fairly serious health conditions, I thought I might be needing that drug and professional medical services coverage. I can't imagine what we'd do if there was an emergency with either of us and we didn't have health insurance (and I live in Canada... I have no idea how people do this in the states). The point is, I still have to TA. So I've gone from working an insane 50-60 hours a week down about 24. I wish I could just totally stop, but we'd lose the house if I didnt' have some income and not having health insurance is just not smart right now, so here I am.
That's the updatey part. All nice and facty-wacty for you. But in subjective news, I'm struggling. Interrupting school has been hard on my sense of self. So has slowing down into recovery mode. Now that I can actually stop doing all the time, I feel worse than when I was go-go-go. Although, someone pointed out to me that I may feel about the same but just actually have the time to notice it now. My instructions are to rest and listen to my body. I'm taking some meds/supplements and have to meditate and do a stretching program every day. I have an appointment to see about my teeth in a few months ("unless one falls out first... then come see me...") Lots and lots of follow-up shite to come. Oh, and yoga... they said once I start to get some energy back that I should start to do yoga. Will do.
Update complete. I hope that future posts will focus on how I'm actually doing, and maybe even wax theoretical about the whole situation. Until then, rest well.
