"Who's flying the plane?" is the phrase we used back in my camp director days when a group of overtired, overworked staff taking a break on the patio would suddenly realize that no one was supervising their dorm groups. It was a terror-blinding moment of realization that Lord of Flies could very well be taking place right there in the middle no-where, and that whatever the wee beasties had got up to, it would be entirely your fault.
And it was usually hilarious. Like the time one of the counsellors rushed into the unsupervised dorm to discover that all his 8-10 year old international (ESL) campers were experimenting with drag and had used some (poisonous) berries to fabricate lipstick. We had the most hilarious trips to the wilderness ER.
But these days, I'm more concerned about who is flying this plane, MY plane, the LIFE plane. Nine years ago, I left performing behind me because I didn't want to be in a career where I was judged for my appearance. I chose psychology because it had always been interesting to me and because I really didn't know what else to do with myself. I figured it was better than just tending bar until I figured it out. If I never figured out what I wanted to do with my life, at least I would have another education. I'd be able to get a job. I'd have accomplished something. I could contribute to society. Yeah, well, I may not be judged for my height, the size of my boobs, or my hair colour -- but boy howdy do those psyc profs ever know how to be judgemental! At the end of each school year, all the profs in the department get together to "discuss" each student's progress. It is supposed to be an academic evaluation, but often it becomes a venue to vent about students and discuss their thinly veiled anxiety about younger students threatening them in some way.
So yeah, Dr. I-love-CBT, choke on my psychodynamic fireball! You don't like me because I am close to your age, don't kiss your ass, and have a backbone. Your issues about "professionalism" are the epitome of projection. Suck on your own defense mechanism and move on with your life.
I now have a rather elaborate Scott Pilgrim-ish fantasy where I must fight 7 evil professors; one for every year of my grad skule experience. Because Psyche is the GREATEST FIGHTER IN THE WORLD!!! Or maybe the fantasy could be a Alan Moore-ish reconceptualization; The League of Extraordinary psychodynamicists! I could team up with... oh forget it. I'm off topic again.
The point is, recently I've begun questioning why-the-fuck-I-am-doing-this. Why am I in a university structure that claims (falsely) to encourage new thinking and challenge minds to debate and explore existing dogma -- when clearly all professors want is to dangle their power over you and make you subscribe to their way of thinking without every questioning it? And why can't I get a decent gewurstraminer anywhere on campus? I'm going to need a lot more gewurstraminer if I'm going to survive this thing!
Right, so the question before me is: WHO is flying this plane? I spend many hours each week working on projects for Dr. Supervisor. I am not in a position to do research that I am actually interested in becuase I have to please Dr. Supervisor and negotiate with The Org and other real-world institutions without their support. I have a very limited selection of courses to choose from that are mostly CBT focused, taught by profs who seem to hate the psychodynamic outlook and who can't come to terms with the fact that CBT was brought into being by (wait for it) psychodynamic theorists (see Ellis, Beck, etc)! You know what, dipshits? (Not you, Dear Reader.) Theories evolve and grow. No one sits around taking piss out of Aristotle or calling Plato a hack, despite their theories being grossly out of date. Yet ignorant, modern psychologists think nothing of calling Freud a sex-obsessed idiot. Why are you all so fucking ANAL? Okay okay... don't get all in a tizzy, Psyche... The point in all of this is just to question your decisions and check in with yourself. Is this really what you want to be doing? Will the ends justify the means? Is it possible to be happy WHILE doing all this? If not, what the heck else do you want to do with your time? Take flying lessons?
Psyche?
November, 1999 (Oh, What A Night)
4 years ago
1 comment:
so, you are being schooled by people who, in essence, haven't let go of their own insecurities (ones that, by rights they should have had analyzed before becoming teachers)
You realize this about them, and can see them for what they are.
The best way I can look at what you're thinking is the gut reaction test.
Don't analyze, don't pro and con. Do you want to be doing this. Do you want to become a Psychologist. That gut answer, yay or nay is the stripped down, bare essence answer.
And that answer can help guide you in whether you stay in school, or try something else.
*HUGE HUGS*
Niz
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