Every time I re-commit to not taking responsibility for other people being "okay," I realize that I'm doing it again. One of the biggest ways that I do this is by not allowing any emotional tides that I am going through to affect someone else. They say that the Asian countries are super-polite in and overly communally focused in that people shove down their own feelings in order to not bother other people. Well, they ain't got nothin' on me, sister.
I had a shitty birthday. Not like absolute gorilla shit that's been licked off of a baby gorilla's arse and then re-shit by its mother. Not THAT bad. There were some kernels of undigested banana in that simean poo. But by and large, it was poo. My parents FORGOT my birthday. This is something that has happened several times since I was a teenager, with my Dad forgetting almost every year, and my mom only forgetting up until it's that day, and then somewhere between breakfast and bed realizing that she has forgotten and making some lame attempt to make me feel better. Once, this involved unceremoniously thrusting a cheque at me in the line up of a MacDonalds. No card... just, "here." My brother did his best impersonation of EYORE on my voicemail, and chose to repeatedly comment on how my husband was laid off recently. My partner, who is a delightful person, who genuinely tries at these things and knows what a touchy subject each trip around the sun is for me, was actually really sweet. He gave me an incredibly thoughtful gift that I love.
Wanna know what it is?
It's a t-shirt with a picture of the middle child from The Simpsons, and it says quite simply beneath it: "I am Lisa Simpson."
This simple phrase sums up how I feel on a day to day basis. In fact, change the rampant alcoholism for smoking in Homer, and you've pretty much got my family down-pat. For while there, I suspected that Conan O'Brien and the others were sercretly filming childhood in some creepy direct- psychological-observation-to-cartoon conspiracy. The similarities are EERIE.
Anyway, I had some people over on the weekend, and with the exception of one guest that I insisted on seeing so badly that I bought her a bus ticket, I wasn't really feelin' the love. Have you ever hosted a party only to realize that absolutely none of your guests has asked you how you are doing, or inquired about your life in any meaningful way? I feel like I spent the night babysitting introverts who couldn't figure out how to play duck-duck-goose while all the cool kids went in the kitchen to drink. "Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck... you know Jimmy, you need to actually say 'goose' at some point or the other toddlers won't have any fun."
The next day, I went to a petting zoo with my partner, and I could feel myself getting antsy... I was a bit hungover and feeling VERY thin-skinned about things... little things that don't normally get on my nerves were lighting fire to every last one of them. And when we pulled in to the farm, I saw lots of families carrying grocery bags of lettuce, celery and apples to feed the animals. I looked around the car. No veggies. I got out of the car. I looked around the farm. No veggies... I walked over to a goat and heard a daddy ask his little girl, "Do you want to feed a carrot to the pony?"
And that's when I started to cry...
Not only did my daddy not have anything for me to feed the pony, he didn't even call me this year. And my partner, wonderful as he is, had dropped the veggie ball on this one. I could tell that HE could tell that I was upset, and he immediately went into damage control...
So I made a joke. "Hey, are you kidding? These are the chubbiest bunch of geese I've ever seen. It's not that they won't fly away, it's more like they CAN'T!" Ba-dum-bum- CHING! Hey don't worry about ME... I'll make a joke so I don't have to worry about YOU being made to feel uncomfortable that I'm upset.
That's what I've done my whole friggin' life. Oh, don't worry that you forgot whatever incredibly important and special to me thing, family! My birthday, my graduation, that time at camp when everyone's families jumped out from behind the curtain to surprise us and you didn't even bother to show up. Don't worry about it! We can't have you feeling guilty or sad just because your little girl is down in the dumps. Besides, she'll get over it.
Wow, I'm a downer, aren't I?
Good.
I don't have to make you laugh all the time.
I had a shitty birthday. Not like absolute gorilla shit that's been licked off of a baby gorilla's arse and then re-shit by its mother. Not THAT bad. There were some kernels of undigested banana in that simean poo. But by and large, it was poo. My parents FORGOT my birthday. This is something that has happened several times since I was a teenager, with my Dad forgetting almost every year, and my mom only forgetting up until it's that day, and then somewhere between breakfast and bed realizing that she has forgotten and making some lame attempt to make me feel better. Once, this involved unceremoniously thrusting a cheque at me in the line up of a MacDonalds. No card... just, "here." My brother did his best impersonation of EYORE on my voicemail, and chose to repeatedly comment on how my husband was laid off recently. My partner, who is a delightful person, who genuinely tries at these things and knows what a touchy subject each trip around the sun is for me, was actually really sweet. He gave me an incredibly thoughtful gift that I love.
Wanna know what it is?
It's a t-shirt with a picture of the middle child from The Simpsons, and it says quite simply beneath it: "I am Lisa Simpson."
This simple phrase sums up how I feel on a day to day basis. In fact, change the rampant alcoholism for smoking in Homer, and you've pretty much got my family down-pat. For while there, I suspected that Conan O'Brien and the others were sercretly filming childhood in some creepy direct- psychological-observation-to-cartoon conspiracy. The similarities are EERIE.
Anyway, I had some people over on the weekend, and with the exception of one guest that I insisted on seeing so badly that I bought her a bus ticket, I wasn't really feelin' the love. Have you ever hosted a party only to realize that absolutely none of your guests has asked you how you are doing, or inquired about your life in any meaningful way? I feel like I spent the night babysitting introverts who couldn't figure out how to play duck-duck-goose while all the cool kids went in the kitchen to drink. "Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck... you know Jimmy, you need to actually say 'goose' at some point or the other toddlers won't have any fun."
The next day, I went to a petting zoo with my partner, and I could feel myself getting antsy... I was a bit hungover and feeling VERY thin-skinned about things... little things that don't normally get on my nerves were lighting fire to every last one of them. And when we pulled in to the farm, I saw lots of families carrying grocery bags of lettuce, celery and apples to feed the animals. I looked around the car. No veggies. I got out of the car. I looked around the farm. No veggies... I walked over to a goat and heard a daddy ask his little girl, "Do you want to feed a carrot to the pony?"
And that's when I started to cry...
Not only did my daddy not have anything for me to feed the pony, he didn't even call me this year. And my partner, wonderful as he is, had dropped the veggie ball on this one. I could tell that HE could tell that I was upset, and he immediately went into damage control...
So I made a joke. "Hey, are you kidding? These are the chubbiest bunch of geese I've ever seen. It's not that they won't fly away, it's more like they CAN'T!" Ba-dum-bum- CHING! Hey don't worry about ME... I'll make a joke so I don't have to worry about YOU being made to feel uncomfortable that I'm upset.
That's what I've done my whole friggin' life. Oh, don't worry that you forgot whatever incredibly important and special to me thing, family! My birthday, my graduation, that time at camp when everyone's families jumped out from behind the curtain to surprise us and you didn't even bother to show up. Don't worry about it! We can't have you feeling guilty or sad just because your little girl is down in the dumps. Besides, she'll get over it.
Wow, I'm a downer, aren't I?
Good.
I don't have to make you laugh all the time.
2 comments:
Oh my darling...my sweet sweet soul sister.
I hope that I was able to give you enough love at dinner.
You are ALWAYS in my thoughts sweety. And you never have to make me laugh. And you never ever have to front for me, ok? always remember that. I'm for you. Always and forever.
And besides, you just being you tends to make me giggle, because I delight in the etheral being that is Psyche Simpson.
Much love my dear. MUCH
Niz "hugs you too tight and makes you squeak" zie
Don't look at the man behind the curtain.
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