SPSS for Sleeping

The last few weeks have been weeks of firsts and slidebacks. My first visit back to the gym followed by extreme fatigue and an inability to walk up the stairs. My first night of uninterrupted sleep, followed by nights of mind-bending insomnia. My first day back on campus (for student/TA meetings) followed by brutal, crushing depression. A step foreward, a few back, a few more forward -- like negotiating our hilly sidewalk after an ice-storm, I just want to sit down on my butt and slide in the direction I'm supposed to be going. Difficult when you don't actually know what direction that is.

It occurs to me as I make all this "revolutionary change" in my life -- as I say to convention and expectations, "No, I'm going to live my life for me, not you. And I'm going to live by my own measures of what is good and right," that I am humble enough to admit that I really have no idea what I'm doing. I have snippets, glimmers of worldviews and ethics and morality and responsibility to self and others. I have the voices of great artists and great scientific thinkers in my mind. But I really don't have a guidebook here. There is no "Recovery for Dummies," no "SPSS for Sleeping." It's scary because the only words offered to me by the sages I respect or feel drawn to are something like, "You get to figure it out for yourself. Find what works for you." For someone who has anxious-perfectionist tendencies this is tantamount to emotional torture. As soon as I come up with something that fits my own model and feels right, feels like GOODNESS, then a person comes along (often someone I sage or someone I respect) and says (rather screams) at me, "How DARE you do that to me?!!" And I think, "They are right. How dare I?" And I become penitent, retract, backpeddle, flee, and it takes me minutes or hours or days or weeks to realize: "Hang on. I didn't do anything to them. I did something to me. I changed. And actually in a really positive way. Or so I think. Wait a sec, let me check this nascent ruler I'm developing. Yep, it's good. So what the hell was that about? And furthermore, what do I do now?"

Realize, I suppose, that living with myself is more important than living for you. Still, I'm wobbly as new-born colt. Complex trauma endured at a young age and for a prolonged time means an interruption in attachment. This is the disability. What you can't see is the missing piece inside of me where you have a solid, or at least consistent attachment strategy/style.  I can cope. I can walk around and interact with professionals at work and school and you'd never guess that inside I'm the infant that freezes and stares. So I want to take the judgemental tone out of what I perceive others to sometimes day and truly ask, "How dare I?" I will absolutely need daring-do if I am going to stand on my own.

Hee. Daring-do. Awesome.