Schrodinger's Womb

I really thought that nothing else could happen, you know? Like the past 18 months have been so majestically shitty that there couldn't possibly be anything else to add to the pile of suckage that's been accumulating in my spare room. But it did, sho - nuff.

I'll cut to the chase. I'm going to have a miscarriage. I had a dating ultrasound last week that revealed a gestational sac but no live embryo/fetus. Either there was an early embryonic death, or the embryo didn't develop at all. Brutal. I had been simultaneously holding in my intense joy and getting used to the mind-boggling fatigue, urination, and bizzare dreams that accompany the first trimester. I had only told a handful of people and Mr. Husband and I were just gearing up to make the larger announcement as the end of the first trimester approached. Then I got the call from my GP. Bad news. It's not your fault. There was nothing you could have done differently. Sometimes these things just happen. Another ultrasound next week just to confirm. No reason to hope. There's nothing there. There is just a formality. Things might happen on their own. Medication. D and C. Fuzz. Fuzz. Fuzz. Can't think of the right questions to ask. Try not to freak out on the phone. Hang up. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry some more.

For 9 weeks I couldn't believe I was pregnant. Now I can't believe I'm not. Or rather that I'm not going to be. That's the funny thing. Technically, I am still pregnant until the miscarriage actually happens. I'm living in a limbo where I am both simultaneously pregnant and not pregnant at the same time. At least I'm pretty sure there isn't a cat in there.

I am in comprehensibly sad. And resentful. And angry. I wish I wasn't. I missed my nephew's birthday. And missed meeting my new nephew for the first time. And I didn't go with my family to take my dad to long-term care. I just can't be around people right now.

I have no idea how I am going to see clients this Thursday. It's like the biggest test of being a therapist ever. Being able to put your own baggage aside to be there for someone else. Actually, I've always been really good at that. And that fact has caused me a lot of resentment. And that's why it worries me. I hope I can get through it and no go off or just shut down.